Abeer Elgamal

In the Forest

  Experimenting with Voice

 

In the forest where none can pass but you, I track you through the dark looped tunnel.  I can hear you panting heavily;  gusts of your hot breath touch my skin but I can never reach you.  I stretch my arm towards you; my muscles ach with it, my pulse quickens, the veins on my wrist pulsate loudly with the need to feel you.   I keep crawling behind you trying to keep your pace but sweet starts to bead on my forehead and seep into my eyes. My heart drums heavily; my chest feels like an old accordion struggling to stretch. I long for more oxygen; I pause to take a deep breath, I try to draw in a whole lungful of air but it feels like steel splinters piercing through my lungs..  

Suddenly there is more light than my eyes can handle; I squeeze my lids shut and slowly open them to adjust to the light; there is more space to move and air to breath but you are gone. I rise on all fours; I stretch my back upwards like a cat in the sun; every muscle and tendon ach with the attempt. I force myself into standing; my feet squawk and my knees shake under the weight. My body feels funny erect after all that crawling, my muscles are tense; my shoulders are stiff and clenching.

I look for you in all directions, there is no trace of you, only the pain intensifies in my neck with every move. I think I will lose you forever; I will never be able to reach you or touch you again. With these thoughts the pain gets wilder, creeping slowly from the right eye, to the right ear, then passing quickly from the back of the neck to the other side of the head; I feel you in my bones, defying, accusing and mad at me. The pain stretches its paws to cover the back of my head, rushing towards both shoulders. It feels like soft yet heavy liquid cement passing through tubes in my head until it hits splashing on the open surface of my shoulder plates and upper back. It dries instantly into thick sheets of hard concrete spreading layer upon layer forming a stiff heavy bulk that makes the slightest movement a torture. For a moment, I think I will never be able to move from that spot.  

Then, I can hear your voice, sweet and tender like always, calling my name. I turn around but there is no trace of you; your presence permeates every cell in my being; I feel you under my skin. Here you are walking slowly behind me, the way one creeps away from an animal that might attack. You look at me with scared eyes. Do you think I can hurt you? I turn around; I reach for your hands but you take a step backward, out of my reach and run towards the tunnel again. I try to move; I drag my feet through the dirt; I am heavy and aching; the blood vessels in my temples jump with rage; my hands ball into fists. That concrete plate on my back stretches to cover my chest. I stoop; I crawl slowly towards the tunnel, hoping to get a feeling of your breath around me.

 I wrote this piece in an attempt to experiment with a "new" voice.  The "I' and "you' here can be two humans, or may be even two animals. Possibly, a raged husband chasing down an unfaithful wife, or any other two people in some kind of an abusive relationship, or two animals in a hunt.   What did you make out of it?  I appreciate all sorts of criticism and suggestions.  Thanks for taking the time to read.