Like parents, like children
By: Dr Laila Abdel Aal Alghalban
Professor of linguistics
Faculty of Arts
Kafrelsheikh University
'The road not taken'
As you grow older and become a parent, you
usually want to travel "the road not taken" by your parents as you
are not so much in love with their parenting style. Over time, how do you paradoxically
end up doing most of the things you used to criticize your parents for when you
were a teenager and an adult? How does parenting help us rediscover ourselves,
our spouses and our children? And how
does life leave its marks on us in this journey?
Parent -child relationship is by nature
the strongest and most special kind of human relationships. It starts strong
from the very early moments till the end
of our life and even after death. Typically, most of our life is revolving
around our children, putting so much energy, time and money to arm them with
the skills needed for a happy life. We fight daily to change them to the best, keep
their life on schedule and set examples for them to follow.
Our parents are our greatest teachers
When
I was young, I had a problem understanding some of my parents' behaviours, despite
our emotionally strong ties and my utmost love and respect for them. My mom was
my closest friend. I remember walking in the street with her grumbling as she loved talking to people and
used to be very kind to everyone, a truly awesome communicator. That was very
stressful for me as I thought, at the time, that one must show more formality
and maintain a considerable degree of social distance. " Mom, please don't
do that when we are together," I used to tell her annoyingly. Many times
she did so even to neighbours during the time when their kids and I were at
odds. Surprisingly, I do the same thing; my children have the same remarks and
are fed up with what they call "over modesty" and "over kindness".
Now I want to say " Sorry, mom. I understand now how wonderful and
soothing your words were and that was bringing you the happiness that I have
now. And may be after thirty years my children would understand me and show
more sympathy and kindness to people."
Other people would say that their parents used to bargain and spend
so much time scrolling through the supermarket's products to get the lowest
prices and the best offers. That caused a lot of tension as children were not
as patient as parents. Becoming parents,
they unconsciously do the same. Others would report that their parents were too
anxious about their education, careers, life skills and were very critical all the
time, dissatisfied with their performance. This made them do their best and be
who they are now. Now they follow in their parents' footsteps. No one can
forget how eager their parents were to push them to have "good
friends". Back then we were furious with their interference in our
affairs. We also remember how they were always
there to pick us when we messed up or when people let us down. I am sure
you are doing the same to you children. We also cannot be more thankful to our parents for
the lessons we learn from our failures or what is called the "negative
examples".
Speaking similarly
Even our parents' speech is deeply
seated in our memories. Their hilarious
and funny catch phrases become part of our language, along with the fashionable
ones that enter our verbal repertoire every day. Their speech used to be
brimmed with proverbs, well-wishing expressions, religious breaching, bits of
advice, telling stories, recalling childhood memories, singing early songs,
endearment terms, among others. One survey of the most memorable parental expressions
lingering in our minds shows such expressions as "Good
manners don't cost anything", "Worrying
is just praying for what you don't want",
"Find the good in everybody", "Don't buy what you can't
afford", to cite a few. As we become parents, we are amazed by the gradual
creep of such themes and expressions to our parenting discourse. It seemed to me that as we trust our parents most, we
internalize their comments, caring deeds and views. Over time, we parent our
kids similarly.
A game-changing experience
Parenting is a game changing experience, affecting our entire lives. We start a
journey of rediscovering ourselves, our
spouses, our parents and our children. After giving birth to my eldest daughter,
I told my mom" Now I realize what it means to be a mom. Now I know very
well how long you suffered and endured unbearable pains. It's the first time
ever I feel you. I now know how dear and valuable you are to me." As
our children grow up we see ourselves in most of what they do and say: the good
and bad traits of our personalities. When they procrastinate, when they are sometimes
mentally absent, day dreaming. "You'd better backlash them.. you used to
be that way," one may think.
Seeing our beloved spouses in our children makes us better
understand them. We are no longer critical of some of our spouses' traits or
habits. We'd better accommodate them and look at the awesome things our spouses
pass to our kids. We definitely find in our kids stunning things form our
parents, siblings and in-laws. Being an "old" parent has impacted my
career as well. " Right, sweethearts,"
"You got it, sons and daughters," I said to my students in one
of my lectures on language change. " By the way, I never spoke that way
just a couple of years ago, this is also an example of language change," I
laughingly commented.
Thus, in everything we do, resonates our parents' deeply
rooted legacy, guiding us all the way through. Let us say thank you for being
our best teachers. Their caring deeds, inspirational stories, kindness,
selflessness, compassion, contentment, among many other things have made
us develop the best version of us.
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